Sometimes I worry that I will go through life just touching the surface and wasting my time with people. I worry about how many people actually know me; who truly knows who I am and what I stand for. Seriously, how many people actually can tell what you're thinking?...no one. And how many people do you trust with your inner dialogue?...personally, I trust about two people with mine. Ya know, the ones you don't have to preface what you're about to say and you can just say it without worrying about feelings because there is a deeper relationship. There is a common respect, and judgement is left at the door. I wish that type of relationship was more common.
I far too often have to hold my tongue in conversations and tip toe around feelings. I often keep to myself what I really think. My most valued relationships are with those whom have told me what they really think. I like a person who will openly tell me when I was wrong, offended them, or did something amazing because I'm 24 and I honestly just don't know.
So here is what I really think: I think that we're wasting our time posting pictures of our outfits on social media because what does that really accomplish and what does that really matter? It's blank space. I want to do something that matters and I will do something that matters. I'm sick of looking at countless pictures of other people's accomplishments and milestones (more specifically people whom I don't know and their babies). I'm sick of posting endless pictures of my coffee because who the hell cares. Not me. God help me if I'm not doing something every day that is more important than my coffee. I'm quite certain that social media is the largest time suck of my generation and I am sooooooo guilty of this that I hate myself at the end of the day for it.
Last week I sat in my counseling appointment, and I broke down. I don't get emotional at counseling like I used to anymore because I've trained myself not to. I would rather keep my deepest struggles to myself because they are painful but I feel like in the grand scheme of things, there is absolutely nothing to be emotional about, especially in front of someone else.
My struggle is an ongoing one. It is one of perfectionism and self-disgust. Part of the issue is that it is a contradictory struggle that I can't logically sort out in my head. It is a struggle between two personalities that I have an inner conflict with. One thrives on chaos, and a mess is her creative escape. She is the painter in me and the talented one that loves to brainstorm crazy art projects. There is no clean up on the agenda ever and money ain't a thing. She competes with an orderly, type A, business savvy, communicator who clearly has a plan. They butt heads, and on any given day, I'm not sure which one will win. It's confusing. And then there is the third one, (I'm dead serious right now, here is a glimpse inside of my head) she is sure of herself and she was born in my mind when I was going through college, (ruthless by the way) she is so strong-minded, confident and an absolute force to reckon with. I actually would recommend you don't even cross her. I love her the most because she doesn't compete with anyone. She just comes out at any moment without warning when all hell has broken loose because she has strong walls built around her. I love her spirit.
So back to counseling. Here is the question that made me lose it, "How do I find happiness if I'm never going to be good enough for myself and how can I ever make someone else happy if I'm not happy with myself?" She passed me the tissues and the embarrassment overflowed me. I can't even remember what my amazing counselor said after I asked that loaded question. But I do remember one thing she did point to, "Unplug, Katie. Social media is probably the worst thing for you." So after a lot of wine (like seriously a lot, because I'm about being honest on this blog) I've figured out what I'm going to do that is bigger than me, bigger than social media and way better, something that I believe will bring me on an amazing journey of happiness.
I would love to hear what that thing is for you. If any of you have had a similar experience, please let me know about it. We can help each other.