What I want this thing to be
This business has done things for me that I never imagined. There is good and bad, just like any job. Yes, it is my job, although I have two others. I primarily work with bloggers as a fashion illustrator and I am surrounded by pictures of pretty things and pretty people who look like they are living in a world that does not exist. It is impossible to not compare myself to these people, whom I have never met and probably never will. The pictures of their perfectly white work spaces that don't have a pencil out-of-place, their perfectly put together outfits, and long locks of hair in perfect curls makes me somehow feel like I'm not doing it right. For awhile I thought I would turn my Instagram into a place where I would strictly post artwork so I would protect myself from personal criticism and take some emotions out of my work. If you ever look at my feed, you would know, I decided against it. I am a feeler and I am a person with a business. A tiny, tiny shop that I run out of my bedroom until the wee hours of the night most nights. My bed is covered in clothes, everything has glitter stuck to it of course. My hair hasn't been washed in three days and I'm wearing the same leggings I wore yesterday. You probably didn't need to know all of that. But I am a person with a business, not a machine with no feelings that cranks out art.
I find myself hating the job I created for myself at least once a month because believe it or not, a dream job does not mean that you will not face challenges or be tested. I want this business to reflect who I am. I have dreams and hopes for it. Some small, some that I can't even wrap my head around. I know other people do too, people I do not even know. I am encouraged everyday and I feel very undeserving of the praise I receive. Today I woke up to these words by a follower:
" i am also an artist, although i think you are way super talented...and i just want you to know that i love your work! Really...sometimes it's hard out here, but you are doing it! Keep up the beautiful work, girl. Much love xoxo"
I need this business to reflect me. Not the perfect version of me, just me.
ps. I really do love bloggers and the blogging world so please don't take this post to mean to be hurtful. It is just a personal struggle I have experienced on my journey thus far.